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The Alice in Wonderland School of Banking

First establish a monster retail bank by amalgamating several banks across the United Kingdom. You call it the Royal Bank of Scotland. Sounds so wonderfully stable. Three magnificent words, all heralding financial probity. Even the dark blue logo gave the impression your money would be safe for a thousand years. Every main street in every town had a branch. In every branch smart young girls waiting to pounce on you with financial advice. For they had ‘done the course’. They had a diploma. Of course, closer examination would reveal there was no Captain Mainwairing figure in the background; they had been ‘shredded’ long ago with their out-of-date banking exam qualifications and old world approach to money.

The grande fromage at the top was good old Fred. Top dude in the banking world, working lad made good, sharp suited and polished booted, he was the face of modern banking. So popular was he with his political cronies, they persuaded her Majesty to dub this confidence trickster ‘Sir’ Fred.

All went well as Sir Fred expanded his ‘book’ by lending to all and sundry under the fractional reserve banking system money his bank did not have. So when people wanted their deposits back, surprise surprise, he had, dare we say, shredded it.

Does he go to prison? No, his political chums bail out his bank with tax payers’ money. So he retires to France on a pension of half a million per year courtesy of poor old Mrs Snooks in Acacia Avenue, who is trying to struggle by on a £100 per week pension.

Now the politicians own a knackered bank at the cost of billions. They have to find another banker (or ?anker) to fill the slot. Of course he is brilliant and the international going rate is £2 million per year -- chicken feed actually in the world of banking. The politicians of course are all dismayed. This does not look good on telly. Terror struck. The bankers forego their million pound bonus -- well at least this time around.

Mrs Snooks cannot even imagine a million pounds. Her son in law cannot get a loan for his small business, and those rock solid shares she had in RBS have gone down by 40%. Perhaps because the bank is now only lending to the government with money printed by the government. Where are the regulators who presided over this shambles? Step forward, Hector Sants. What have you to say Hector? “Very very sorry”. Oh, ok then, time to promote you to deputy governor at the Bank of England.

So what is the private word at White’s club amongst the great and the good? Knighthoods all round.

Er... isn’t that where we come in.

Political Crooks

Is it not about time the Crown Prosecution Service told us exactly where they are with senior politicians and their potential prosecution?

Eric Illsley, who did his bird said it was a ‘fair cop’, but what about all the others? Why has it gone so quiet?

Are people like Hunhe and MacShane ever going into the dock, and if not, why not? 

Smart Meters and Stupid Ministers

Wind turbines are not the only stupid idea the coalition and the previous government have had. Amongst their £200 billion of stupid ideas is the idea of spending nearly £12 billion on so-called 'smart meters'. The idea is that the electricity companies will be able to switch off your appliances if the wind isn't blowing sufficiently fast to turn wind turbines to power the country.

It's like someone else having a remote control for your house. Poorer people, who can only afford to pay less for their bills, such as young working families, the elderly and the unwell, will have to endure more interruptions to their supply than their better off neighbours. People who want an uninterrupted power supply will have to pay more.

On top of the inconvenience they will cause, the privilege of having one of these devices installed in our homes is going to cost us each around £300. Yet smart meters may expose us all to attacks from hackers. After all, if our electricity supply can be remotely turned off for 'good' reasons, it can also be turned off for bad reasons. If computer hackers decide to switch off our electricity supply out of sheer malice, Britain may be plunged back into the Dark Ages. Imagine that, in the middle of winter.

There are many good reasons for rejecting these meters, whose only purpose seems to be to allow the green zealots in charge of the UK and EU's energy policies to roll out their preferred technologies, regardless of what the public desires. Luckily, not everyone in government and the media are as stupid and blinkered as DECC ministers, and the UK's green energy plans are at last facing some scrutiny. As the Daily Mail reported this week,

Consumer groups claim the £11billion plan will be a fiasco and have demanded it is halted and the independent National Audit Office has warned it could be an expensive flop. Now MPs on the public accounts committee predict the energy giants will not pass back their savings to customers.

The Public Accounts Committee report mentioned in the Mail article reported this week that,

1. Consumers will have to pay energy suppliers for the costs of installing smart meters through their energy bills, but many of the benefits will pass in the first instance to the energy suppliers. 2. The benefits of smart meters can only be fully realised if there is widespread take-up and consumers use them to reduce their energy bills, yet the role of suppliers in helping to achieve this remains undefined. 3. The benefits from smart meters may not reach vulnerable consumers, those on low incomes and those who use prepayment meters. 4. Trials so far have been inconclusive about consumers' willingness to cooperate with the installation process and to use smart meters to reduce their energy consumption. 5. The data communications service required to link smart meters to suppliers is a complex IT project that may cost as much as £3 billion. 6. The Department and energy suppliers face significant challenges to install smart meters in every home in the country.

This is all government-speak for 'they don't bloody work'.

Smart meters are being pushed by stupid ministers. (Either that, or they are simply bad). That's the problem with technology -- it doesn't matter how clever it is, in the hands of idiots it can be worse than the problem it intended to solve. Some technologies are fantastic. But 'smart meters' only allow politicians -- mad or bad -- to have greater control over our lives. There's nothing 'smart' about that.

The Great Big Gravy Train

‘Dave’ Cameron’s deep rooted hatred of the countryside continues apace. Not content with desecrating the landscape with wind turbines to line the pockets of his family and friends, he now intends to spend billions of tax payer’s money digging up areas of outstanding natural beauty in the Midlands with his fast train to Birmingham.

Quite what good moving a bunch of mobile telephone braying Brummy wide boys to London and back ½ hour quicker is going to do for us all is beyond me. Still knowing Cameron I suppose he will have a mate or two en route who will make a buck.

Tories Equals Turbines

I made a point of watching the irritating Country file programme last night. Irritating in so far as it is usually an illusory reflection of how TV people imagine the countryside to be. The sort of stuff that appeals to Holland Park dwellers who drive shiny new Range Rovers and wear hunter wellies and buy cottages in Dorset.

But back to last night. They actually did something worthwhile. They featured the beautiful Yorkshire Wolds with the magnificent David Hockney guiding those who did not already know on how to enjoy them. The colour variations are awesome. I follow the hunt with the Middleton occasionally so I know.

Watch the programme again here.

We then witnessed John Craven interview the Prime Minister, who made it more clear than ever his commitment to wind turbines. ‘But many people hate them’ said Craven bravely. Cameron ran his true colours up the mast. People hate them, because they are too stupid to appreciate them, according to the PM. No equivocation, no apology, no caveats. So, unless you live in the Cotswolds -- ‘Dave’ won’t have them there, which proves he is not as stupid as he always appears to be -- but everyone else can expect them.

There was no irony that they are proposed along the Wolds Way, the main subject of the programme. Craven, who knows this full well, missed the open goal by not asking if he felt the Wolds were an appropriate setting.

Will the Tory voting dumbbells in the shires understand once and for all a Tory vote means turbines. It doesn’t matter how nice that local MP is, it is his party’s policy.

Did viewers also spot in Cameron’s defence of his ‘localism bill’, his confirmation that it is designed to take away control by local people of their countryside. We might be allowed to ‘designate’ modest green areas but the presumption is the man in Whitehall (Bristol) will always have the last say.

So the desecration of the countryside marches on with the connivance of the deceitful Cameron and the support of the almost incredibly naive rural conservative voter.

One bright spot in the programme, my old friend Mary Rook MFH won the Yorkshire Pudding contest. Mrs Rook has occasionally passed favourable comment on my puddings in the past, so praise indeed!

We need a better bishop

Does anyone else find the Archbishop of Canterbury as irritating as I do?

His New Year message about “giving up on young people” following the Bishop of London’s absurd interaction with St Paul’s ‘camping club’ was quite offensive.

I have spent a considerable amount of time and money over the years working with young people in the field of sport. Particularly rugby football, as do thousands of others across the country. We do help children who are prepared to help themselves.

What has the Archbishop of Canterbury or the Bishop of London ever done? Where is their parish priest experience? What do they ever do except whinge and issue banalities from the comfort of their palaces?

What we need is some old fashioned leadership. Some muscular Christianity. Can I beg her Majesty next time around to insist on a new Archbishop with a track record of ‘hands on’ clerical work, rather than ‘hands wrung’.